What Silent Agreements Are
—and How They Wreak Havoc on Your Relationships
Anyone who has even been in a romantic relationship knows what a “silent agreement” is—even though you may never have used this term before. Silent agreements are those unspoken “rules” of your particular relationship, the topics you don’t talk about because when you do, you always end up fighting with your partner. And some of those fights are so bad that you know they could even lead to a break up or divorce—which is not what you want.
Silent agreements involve the issues that you think you just can’t put on the table—issues like getting married, having children (or having more children), adopting a child instead of not having children at all, getting a better job, working harder to find a job, or who makes more money (and does it really matter?) All of these are land-mine topics that neither party in a relationship wants to mention because neither of you wants to disrupt the status quo. But of course, there really is no “status quo” because relationships aren’t static or stagnant; they’re fluid, and change is inevitable. Yet many of us simply want to hold on to what we know, even if that’s unrealistic.
So you may not be happy with some aspect of your relationship, but you think you can’t discuss that topic, or you won’t have a relationship. You’ve made a silent agreement to just go on as you have been.
After all, there are some things you just can’t talk about, right?
Wrong.
The problem with silent agreements is that, eventually, they come to the fore. And in the meantime, they’re taking their toll on you—and your partner, probably—in other ways. Not communicating about something is not a healthy way to deal with it, and you can waste years telling yourself “it’s OK that we’re not having kids” and then suddenly wake up one day and realize that you really do want to have kids, even if it means not being with this particular man or woman. But the older you get, the harder it is to do everything—not impossible, but it’s better to realize what you really want and expose the silent agreements before that silence costs you years of your life.
You are in a Silent Agreement if;
- You and your mate have been in a conversation where one of you didn’t want to “go there”…again
- You ever bought a book about relationships- and it wasn’t enough to save yours
- You’re having problems in your relationship
- You’re too busy to figure out what’s wrong with your relationship
- You ever blamed your partner for keeping a secret, even if you didn’t know what the secret might reveal
- You want more out of a relationship than a beautiful living room
- You ever wanted a soul mate
- You were ever surprised by someone you thought you really knew and understood-or vice versa
- You find yourself saying “whatever” more than you’re saying “good morning”
- You have ever alienated the person you want to be close to
- You ever felt there were limitations on your relationship that were insurmountable
- You are getting married because you don’t want to break your partner’s heart, and you hate confrontation. The relationship is less painful than the break-up would be
- You haven’t felt passion since high school
- You’ve hungered for more from your relationship
- You thought a drop-dead dress would get you the relationship you crave
- Six months after the wedding, you felt a twinge of dissatisfaction or wondered whether you made a mistake
- You’re afraid your relationship is turning into the one your parents had
- You ever felt you had to sacrifice yourself or part of yourself (“the real you”) to have a relationship
- You ever stayed in a relationship because you don’t want to be alone
- You are anxious or depressed and to avoid feeling even worse, you stopped having real communication with your partner
