Sometimes marriage s(t)ucks!

ex·ac·er·bat·ed/ex·ac·er·bat·ing
Definition of EXACERBATE
: to cause (a disease or its symptoms) to become more severe

This word (exacerbate) is exactly how ‘friends of Barnabas’ begin to express each & every interaction while in the midst of conflict-unresolved with their Spouse.

He’s always on the computer, Playstation/xBox360, or his cellphone! She’s always making demands on my time, or doesn’t understand my struggle! Sound familar? OF COURSE IT DOES! A stuck stick is a stuck stick – whether in mud or concrete.

What needs to change? And how do I know when the ‘window’ is open to TRY? (Difficulty in reading non-verbal queues from my Spouse)

Let’s start a conversation. Leave a comment.
Anonymous posts are permitted.

SKRESS! [Stress]

It is impressive to witness someone wrestle with difficult times & challenging circumstances – then Smile,… and walk away without a ‘monkey’ on their back. Are you walking away from ‘hard issues’ with a light-n-fluffy attitude? Or do you slump into your car & turn your social interaction with family & friends on ‘Silent/Vibrate’?

Let’s start a conversation – especially at the beginning of this holiday season!

What Is Stress?

Stress can be “the nonspecific response of the body to any demand made upon it.” The “demand” can be a threat, a challenge or any kind of change which requires the body to adapt. The response is automatic, immediate.
Stress can be good (called “eustress”) when it helps us perform better, or it can be bad (“distress”) when it causes upset or makes us sick according to Dr. Hans Selye.

How does stress compound our problems?
Heightens their emotional responses to external demands or pressures. Prolonged or recurrent exposure to distressing experiences i.e., caring for ill parent, boss insisting, ongoing serious aruguments with spouse/partner
Negative, and overwhelming!
Watch for the most common signs of stress: They include
Tension/anxiety
Anger
Reclusiveness
Pessimism/cynicism
Boredom
Irritability
Resentment
Inattentiveness
Headaches
Fatigue
Insomnia
Digestive problems
Neck/back pain
Loss of appetite
Overeating/obesity

Common Symptoms of Stress that are overlooked:
Physical: fatigue, headache, insomnia, muscle aches/stiffness (especially neck, shoulders and low back), heart palpitations, chest pains, abdominal cramps, nausea, trembling, cold extremities, flushing or sweating and frequent colds.

Mental: decrease in concentration and memory, indecisiveness, mind racing or going blank, confusion, loss of sense of humor.

Emotional: anxiety, nervousness, depression, anger, frustration, worry, fear, irritability, impatience, short temper.

Behavioral: pacing, fidgeting, nervous habits (nail-biting, foot-tapping), increased eating, smoking, drinking, crying, yelling, swearing, blaming and even throwing things or hitting.
Are their things in my environment stressing me? Yes. They are called “External Stressors”
Physical environment: noise, bright lights, heat, confined spaces.
Social (interaction with people): rudeness, bossiness or aggressiveness on the part of someone else.
Organizational: rules, regulations, “red tape,” deadlines.
Major life events: death of a relative, lost job, promotion, new baby.
Daily hassles: commuting, misplacing keys, mechanical breakdowns.
Are there things I do to myself that make life seem more stressful?
Yes. Those are called “Internal Stressors” Many researchers list them as
Lifestyle choices: caffeine, not enough sleep, overloaded schedule.
Negative self-talk: pessimistic thinking, self-criticism, over-analyzing.
Mind traps: unrealistic expectations, taking things personally, all-or-nothing thinking, exaggerating, rigid thinking.
Stressful personality traits: Type A, perfectionist, workaholic, pleaser. It is important to note that most of the stress that most of us have is actually self-generated. Ouch! I hate to admitt that my response to an event ( i.e., shouting, framing it as a threat) actually produces more of a stress hormone being produced in my body that makes me unhealthy. Try as we may owning our response to the event is half the problem is difficult.
So Dr Banks What Does the Stress Reaction Consist of? It has phases.
PHASE I
Outpouring of adrenaline, a stimulant hormone, into the blood stream. This, with other stress hormones, produces a number of changes in the body which are intended to be protective.
The result often is called “the fight-or-flight response” because it provides the strength and energy to either fight or run away from danger. You know these! The changes include an increase in heart rate and blood pressure (to get more blood to the muscles, brain and heart), faster breathing (to take in more oxygen), tensing of muscles (preparation for action), increased mental alertness and sensitivity of sense organs (to assess the situation and act quickly), increased blood flow to the brain, heart and muscles (the organs that are most important in dealing with danger) and less blood to the skin, digestive tract, kidneys and liver (where it is least needed in times of crisis).
Phase II
Resistance
The body attempts to recover from the alarm, repair the damage caused.
Brain attempts to understand it and avoid it in the future
If stressful situation continues, no recovery.
The immune system starts reducing the activity in your life, to reserve energy
Phase III
Exhaustion
Unrelenting stress is when internal resources depleted
Damaging emotional and physical symptoms appear
overeating
depression
over spending
Stress can be managed – really!
For example. when stress is showing up as anger, especially for Black women it is labeled, sterotypically as “the angry Black woman” syndrome. I offer the following reflection from a poet who came across my desk to women feeling the stress as anger more often than sadness.
Why do we walk like the day has done us in?
“Because stress is hemmed into our dresses, pressed into our hair, mixed in our perfume and painted on our fingers? Stress from deferred dreams, dreams not voices, broken promises, blatent lies, never thought of as beautiful, taken for granted, being a black woman in…america” – Opal Palmer Adisa, quoted in Evelyn White, ed., The Black Woman’s Health Book.
If you are wondering if you are suffering the ill effects of stress contact your doctor or visit a nearby support group. Barnabas Counseling Center has a group ” Conversations with Women” starting Saturday, June 12th 10:30-12:30 in the education wing – 4247 Creigthon Road. RSVP barnabas@myspbc.org. Men on the GROW meets every Tuesday 6-8pm education wing – Creighton Campus through August 7th. Be Blessed!

Silent Agreements

What Silent Agreements Are
—and How They Wreak Havoc on Your Relationships

Anyone who has even been in a romantic relationship knows what a “silent agreement” is—even though you may never have used this term before.  Silent agreements are those unspoken “rules” of your particular relationship, the topics you don’t talk about because when you do, you always end up fighting with your partner. And some of those fights are so bad that you know they could even lead to a break up or divorce—which is not what you want.

Silent agreements involve the issues that you think you just can’t put on the table—issues like getting married, having children (or having more children), adopting a child instead of not having children at all, getting a better job, working harder to find a job, or who makes more money (and does it really matter?)  All of these are land-mine topics that neither party in a relationship wants to mention because neither of you wants to disrupt the status quo. But of course, there really is no “status quo” because relationships aren’t static or stagnant; they’re fluid, and change is inevitable. Yet many of us simply want to hold on to what we know, even if that’s unrealistic.

So you may not be happy with some aspect of your relationship, but you think you can’t discuss that topic, or you won’t have a relationship. You’ve made a silent agreement to just go on as you have been.

After all, there are some things you just can’t talk about, right? 

Wrong.

The problem with silent agreements is that, eventually, they come to the fore. And in the meantime, they’re taking their toll on you—and your partner, probably—in other ways. Not communicating about something is not a healthy way to deal with it, and you can waste years telling yourself “it’s OK that we’re not having kids” and then suddenly wake up one day and realize that you really do want to have kids, even if it means not being with this particular man or woman.  But the older you get, the harder it is to do everything—not impossible, but it’s better to realize what you really want and expose the silent agreements before that silence costs you years of your life.

You are in a Silent Agreement if;

• You and your mate have been in a conversation where one of you didn’t want to “go there”…again
• You ever bought a book about relationships- and it wasn’t enough to save yours
• You’re having problems in your relationship
• You’re too busy to figure out what’s wrong with your relationship
• You ever blamed your partner for keeping a secret, even if you didn’t know what the secret might reveal
• You want more out of a relationship than a beautiful living room
• You ever wanted a soul mate
• You were ever surprised by someone you thought you really knew and understood-or vice versa
• You find yourself saying “whatever” more than you’re saying “good morning”
• You have ever alienated the person you want to be close to
• You ever felt there were limitations on your relationship that were insurmountable
• You are getting married because you don’t want to break your partner’s heart, and you hate confrontation. The relationship is less painful than the break-up would be
• You haven’t felt passion since high school
• You’ve hungered for more from your relationship
• You thought a drop-dead dress would get you the relationship you crave
• Six months after the wedding, you felt a twinge of dissatisfaction or wondered whether you made a mistake
• You’re afraid your relationship is turning into the one your parents had
• You ever felt you had to sacrifice yourself or part of yourself (“the real you”) to have a relationship
• You ever stayed in a relationship because you don’t want to be alone
• You are anxious or depressed and to avoid feeling even worse, you stopped having real communication with your partner

Avoid the Chronic Blues

Depression is known as a mood disorder. Thereby suggesting the first thing that changes is your mood. Sometimes but not always. It is defined in “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as ” a condition that (a) is relatively persistent ( more days than not for 2 weeks or more), (b) significant distress and normal life impairments and (c) loss of capcity to enjoy pleasure, sadness, low energy, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, sleep disturbance, appetite changes, agitation or slowing down, difficulty concentrating and feeling guilty or worthless. This is what I call the “Indigo” Blues. Stay away from this one at all costs. It has a way of recurring. Avoid all stressors possible and see your medical doctor as soon as you can. Remain involved in all daily spiritual practices: pray.meditate.read your bible (psalms and gospel);journal.seek silence; and life supporting systems; exercise 30 minutes daily if possible, eat healthy small portions of food, water with lemons; rest without distraction; sleep, limited television and regular church worship. It matters. Take Good Care!

Depression could kill you.

Millions of people are depressed and are unaware of it. Depression  is often experienced as irritability, difficulty sleeping, erratic reactionary behavior as well as difficulty concentrating. Men and women are known to have different symptoms.  We sometimes express pain in physical symptoms like back aches, head aches, and chronic illness.